Responding to Disappointment

Something happened this week [remember that this was written 10 years ago] that was a crushing disappointment.  But let me be clear right from the start – it was disappointment.  It was not huge injustice.  I was not the victim of abuse or extreme mistreatment.  It was “just” disappointment.  In the big picture of problems in the world, it’s not huge.  For other people it wouldn’t have been more than a minor bump in the road.  For me though, it was crushing.  It caused tears to spill over for more than one day.  I’m well aware that in some ways my disappointment was out of proportion to the circumstances.  I’m normally pretty even-keeled.  This doesn’t happen often.

The specifics matter less in this space than the thoughts about handling disappointment in general. In fact, not playing out the details on this page is part of what feels right in this situation.  This is not about building a case or arguing rightness or wrongness.  So I won’t be sharing details.  What I want to share are the thoughts I have about facing and working through disappointment.

1.  I take responsibility for my own baggage and my own reactions.

There are reasons why it hit me so hard that are not the responsibility of the people who caused the disappointment.  If it triggers past hurts – that’s not their responsibility.  It is mine.  Does it bring back old lies?  I’m the one who needs to battle that.  If it was going to fill a hole in my life and now that won’t happen – it’s not their responsibility to fill the holes in my life.  Does it injure my pride?  That’s my issue, not theirs.  Do I have an inappropriate sense of entitlement?  If so, it’s my responsibility to take care of that.

It is also my responsibility to treat all involved with respect.  And to extend grace to those making hard decisions.  And to not gossip.  Some of the reasons for this decision make sense.  Others are still confusing to me.  But I am responsible for my own actions in response. If I act poorly, I can’t blame it on how disappointed I was or whether it should have happened the way it did.

2.  I allow myself to grieve.

I think it is okay to grieve as long as the grieving moves in the direction of healing and not in the direction of bitterness.  And as long as I don’t get stuck in it.  I won’t get to do something that was already a hope deferred, something I wanted to do months ago and was told I needed to wait.  Because of this opportunity, I had made the hard decision to pass up another one – and the one I hated to say “no” to is now too late to jump into.  So my summer has a huge hole in it.  And there are legitimate things to grieve. 

3.  I decide if this is something appropriate to fight for, or to ask for reconsideration.

There may be times when it is right to ask questions, to advocate for a different outcome, to appropriately ask for reconsideration.  This was one of those times.  It does involve something I’ve poured my heart into, a dream I’ve had for years.  There are legitimate reasons to discuss the situation and there are reasonable questions to ask about the decision.  And I’ve now had those discussions.  In this case, nothing changed.

5.  I decide when and why to stop asking for reconsideration.

Along with deciding there’s a time to push a bit, to advocate a bit, to hope a bit that the decision might be reversed – there’s another question.  When is it time to stop?  And what are the right reasons to stop?  I think sometimes you stop because it’s not the most important battle to be fighting – i.e., you choose your battles.  Other times, I think you stop when you make the decision to just be a good sport about something that didn’t go your way.  And then there are times you stop because you choose to trust that the Lord holds your heart and your dreams and your coming in and your going out. 

6.  I choose not to stay stuck in disappointment and to make choices that move me forward.

How do I do that in practical terms?  I need to talk to people who can help me through it – while being careful to not cross the line to gossip.  But they can only take me so far.  And while it is tempting to continue to rehash it in front of supportive friends, I’ll get stuck if I don’t move beyond that.

There’s internal work that only I can do.  I remember the big picture.  I go back to the things that give me perspective.  I run toward those things and not away from them.  It’s part of choosing to move through disappointment rather than stewing in it.  So I make sure I spend extra time with the Lord rather than finding excuses to avoid it.  I know that time with Him brings peace.  So my choices point to whether I desire peace or self-pity.

And then, in this case, I temporarily removed myself from the situation.  As I struggled a bit to find my way through, I took a break.  I got out of town for a day.  I went somewhere I’d never been before.  I created a situation that took my mind off the disappointment.

Three days after getting the news, am I still sad?  Yes.  But not so much.  Does it still sting?  A bit.  But I’ve begun to reframe the rest of my summer to include something I wouldn’t have had time to do before. 

And I’m grateful for friends to talk to, a job I really do love and a Lord I can trust with my heart, who calls me out of disappointment and into peace.