Revisiting an older journey – Page 6

What I Know For Sure

[Originally published 4/1/12. Still true for me today.]

Oprah often asks her guests – in her TV interviews and in her magazine – this question: “What do you know for sure?”

Of the many ways I could answer that, here is one that remains constant. I know for sure that Jesus understands a woman’s heart.

It started out being “I know that Jesus understands us.” A Palm Sunday sermon when I was in my 30s took that truth from a head knowledge to a more powerful heart connection. The gist of the sermon was that Jesus, during His time on earth, and especially during the events of Holy Week, knew what it felt like to be lonely, to be misunderstood, to have the “system” (both religious and legal) that was supposed to protect people turn against Him, to have friends break promises, betray Him and not be there for Him. The list could go on and on.

The point is – it hit me in a new and powerful way that I was not only forgiven, I was understood. My specifics might not line up with what Jesus experienced, but the comfort of knowing that my emotions were understood became real.

Fast forward a lot of years and I found myself struggling to breathe (metaphorically) because the pain of a marriage that ended was so great, the betrayal so agonizing. In reality, it had been coming for a long time but those early weeks and months after the separation took the pain to a new level.

I found myself reading the gospels and becoming acutely aware of Jesus’ encounters with women. There’s the woman who anointed His feet, the woman at the well, the woman who had been bleeding for 12 years, mothers whose children died, women who needed physical or spiritual healing, and the list goes on. Luke even specifically refers to the women who financially supported Jesus’ ministry out of their own means, giving them names – not just referring to them as someone’s wife.

I was a broken-hearted woman reading these stories, someone whose core identity as a wife and a woman had been trampled on. And here’s what I saw – a lot of little details that brought hope to my heart: Jesus looked into their eyes, He praised them in front of the crowd and He took specific steps to restore them to community (i.e., to alleviate their shame and their isolation). He acknowledged and received their faith and their love – and treated both of those as precious gifts. I have journal pages full of the emotions connected to the understanding and comfort that were embedded in those encounters.

The non-stop intensity of the agony passed, the healing began, I could breathe again, do what I needed to do and even thrive. And I knew this for sure: Jesus understands a woman’s heart.

Saying No … to the right things

[This was originally published on 3/26/12 and still resonates with me. For those of us who are “doers”, who are wired to meet needs, it’s hard to say “no” – even when it is the right thing.]

Is it possible that Kingdom work is as much about what we say “No” to as it is about what we say “Yes” to? This is not headed toward a legalistic, moralistic list of “dos” and “don’ts” related primarily to behavior! It’s also not primarily about saying “no” to harmful, unproductive, or wasteful things.

I believe there are times when we need to say “no” to good things, to unmet needs and to Kingdom work.

There are two stories – almost back to back in the gospel of Luke – that have challenged me for years. In Luke 4:14-30, Jesus has just finished His testing in the wilderness and He returns home to Nazareth. He attends the synagogue, reads the Messianic passage from Isaiah 61*, and announces that “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.” There’s an exchange with the crowd about no prophet being recognized in his home town and Jesus is driven, by the crowd, out of town to the edge of a hillside where they intend to throw him off the cliff. “But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.” (v. 30).

A few verses later (verses 40-44), we find Jesus in Capernaum at the home of Simon. Beginning when the Sabbath ended at sunset, people brought a steady stream of the sick and demon-possessed to Him and He healed them. This continues throughout the night until Jesus retreats to a solitary place at daybreak. The people find Him and try to keep Him from leaving. “But he said, ‘I must proclaim the good news of the kingdom of God to the other towns also, because that is why I was sent.’” (verse 43).

So where’s the challenge? For me it comes in several forms.

In the midst of people who know me, who may not think I can do something, am I willing to hold fast and trust my sense of call? To not let their perception of me cloud who God says I am?

For me, a deep rejection which is then followed by an adoring crowd, would make the adoring crowd an enticing place to stay. Do I have the courage – and the sense of call – to move on, not knowing what is ahead in terms of acceptance or rejection?

Can I leave things “undone” or “unfinished” when it is not my role to finish them? As I read this passage, my assumption is that there were needs Jesus did not meet in Capernaum. More sick people. More demon possessed people. More suffering. More people to inspire and nurture. And He walks away from that. He says “No” – not always an easy thing for us to say in Christian circles where we are inundated with requests to meet needs. He says “No” to real ministry opportunities in order to be obedient to His greater calling.

In many ways, this last one is the hardest for me. It doesn’t feel right to see what needs to be done and then not do it. How do I keep my eyes on the bigger picture when the little picture is so immediate and so compelling?

I don’t have a definitive answer. I know it involves listening to the Holy Spirit, growing in intimacy with the Lord so that I recognize His voice, and asking others to help me discern. I know that there are small “yeses” that I’m not supposed to stress over.

But even after 20 years [now 30 years] of being challenged by this, I’m not always sure I can say that I know what I am sent to do. So, even at this stage of my life, I long for increasing pieces of that knowledge and the vision of what that looks like – as well as occasional reminders that I am created and sent for a purpose.

*Isaiah 61:1 – The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor.

Living Radically – in your everyday life (Part Two)

As promised, here’s the rest of my list – things that have helped me grow. (For the first six items see Part One)

7. Make no assumptions that your “normal” life will stay normal. Small acts of radical discipleship often lead to bigger leaps of faith.

8. Look for opportunities to be generous in non-financial ways. Be generous with praise, with time, with compassion, with little acts of assistance. Learn people’s “love language” as part of your generosity to them.

9. Experiment with doing things anonymously. Being invisible for a season can be stretching and can drive you closer to the Father when your other sources of affirmation become unavailable.

10. Disrupt your routine from time to time. Continually look for opportunities to get out of your comfort zone. Do little things regularly (e.g., spend time with someone you wouldn’t normally spend time with) but occasionally do big things as well (e.g., a mission trip).

11. Admit that boredom is not an option as a lifestyle. If you are bored, ask Him what Kingdom work you are not seeing right around you.

12. Distinguish between appropriate self-care/relaxation/leisure and self-medication, avoidance or numbing behavior. I believe in “down time” and “just fun”. I spend time on the couch in front of the TV from time to time. Learn your needs (what nourishes you and refills your tank) but also learn what constitutes an unhealthy or unproductive escape. Brother Lawrence, in The Practice of the Presence of God, says something along these lines: “How sad it is to trade fellowship with God for the trivial.” [My paraphrase. After all these years I can’t guarantee it’s an exact quote.]

13. Recognize that your time – as well as your other resources – belongs to the Lord. And that includes your “job” time, not just your “discretionary” time. Do you feel a sense of call – either directly or indirectly – in what you do? Does your job allow you to accomplish or provide for things related to the Kingdom? Or does it interfere with your Kingdom call? Is there a persistent nudge from the Spirit that things are not right? Is there a nagging sense of “something more” that doesn’t go away. Pay attention. Ask the Lord what it means. Is the “location” not right? Is the work/family balance not right? Is timing/season of life an issue?

14. If hard things – job losses, economic shifts – occur, look for God’s hand and consider whether you’re being pushed out of the nest, being forced to do something you wouldn’t do on your own.

15. Hold “things” lightly. This is not an “anti-wealth”, “anti-nice things” statement. It is about availability, about not blindly buying into our culture’s view of consumerism. Be ready and willing to sacrifice “things”- if called to – for the greater joy of serving the Kingdom.

So, what have I missed? Any thoughts that should be added to the list?

Living Radically – in your everyday life (Part One)

[This was originally posted on March 18, 2012. The World Race, referenced here, is a program of Adventures in Missions, the organization I work for. Young adults, from 18-30 years old spend 9 or 11 months traveling around the world with just their hiking backpack, working with ministry partners.]

I thought about titling this “How to be a radical disciple without going on the World Race”. There are circumstances – such as the World Race – that seem inherently “radical”. The steps of faith, the ministry opportunities, the challenges and the Kingdom impact are all clear. The routines are less settled. The stories and pictures “prove” you are living radically.

But what if it is not that clear cut? What if you have to look for opportunities within your “ordinary” life? The desire to be a radical disciple stirs in many of us who live more “normal” lives, constrained by full-time jobs, family commitments, stage of life issues and the like. So how do we live as radical disciples?

I recently found a journal where I had begun to jot down thoughts. This isn’t a full discussion with all the appropriate qualifiers. It’s merely some thoughts from years of wrestling and seeking.

How to live as a radical disciple (the first 6 thoughts – with the rest of the list coming soon):

1. Take listening prayer seriously. Make a commitment ahead of time to believe that God will speak to you. Work toward instantaneous obedience when you know it is His voice. Believe He speaks in the little things (“go talk to that lonely person”) as well as the big things (“move to Africa”).

2. Do not disguise fear as wisdom. Be brutally honest. Resist the temptation to dismiss things by saying “I don’t think it is wise to …” when you really mean “I’m afraid to ….”

3. Don’t live self-protectively. You’ll know what this looks like in your own life. Maybe you begin to make decisions that the world might consider foolish. Or when you feel the Spirit’s nudge, you give away more than you think you can afford. But you make a daily choice to listen to Him first and then to trust Him to provide what you need – physically, emotionally, financially and in every other way. It is no longer primarily your responsibility to create security in your life.

4. Consider whether you want your life to be characterized by supernatural gifting or only by “inherent talent”. Obviously there is a lot of overlap. But I want a ministry in the Kingdom that cannot be explained by my “natural talent”. I want there to be a component that can only be explained by the presence of God. Have the courage to ask for that, knowing that it is like jumping off a cliff.

5. Spend time thinking about the difference between desire and call. I believe there’s a big overlap but I don’t think they are exactly the same. Learn contentment where you are called and ask Him to open your eyes to see why He has you there. Commit to His ministry – even if you would have chosen a different one. Ask Him to align your heart with His in this particular place and this particular season of your life. [Note: Part Two will have the balancing thoughts on being open to changing your circumstances.]

6. Ask the Lord to show you where you still hold on to a sense of entitlement. It can be overt (“I’m entitled to a certain lifestyle”) or it can be subtle (“Because of all I’ve gone through, I’m entitled to have it easier for a while”). A sense of entitlement will rob you of joy.

Part Two coming soon …

The Restlessness is Gone

Update: This was originally published on 3/4/2012. I was less than a year into my new venture – the one I had tentatively stepped into, in large part because I could no longer ignore the restlessness I felt. This describes what I was beginning to feel and I look back with gratitude for the amazing journey it has been.

I realized that the restlessness I referred to in my previous post was gone. The restlessness that nagged at me for years, that ebbed and flowed but never completely went away, and that was a large part of making the decision to move to Georgia – I hadn’t felt it since I arrived. I don’t normally make shifts quickly or easily – so the ease with which I slipped into life in Georgia was an unexpected gift.

The previous year I was still hoping that this move was the “next step” I was supposed to take. How it would work out on a daily basis, or whether it would take care of the restlessness, was still unknown.

I needed moments like this – when I realized I wasn’t in the same place I was before. It’s not about moving toward some unattainable perfection or even just “being better.” It’s a remembering that enriches my relationship with a Father who loves me enough to walk through all of these things with me, who knows who He created me to be and gently moves me more fully into that, a God who says that bringing the Kingdom is an ongoing journey and He needs me fully engaged and prepared and that I don’t have to do that on my own.

And in this particular instance, the end result was this: My heart felt at home.

Even in the day to day shifting of responsibilities that characterized much of what I did in the early years of this new season, I didn’t find myself wondering about whether there was a “next step” I was supposed to take right then. I still expected to be stretched, to have hard times and easier times. I knew there would be ministries and calls that would grow and unfold in unexpected ways and that would require me to step out in faith. But there wasn’t the restlessness I felt before.

Much of what I did in these early years looked “ordinary”. I was not “on the field” or doing “front lines” ministry in the way that most people would define it. I didn’t have an abundance of pictures that captured the work I was doing. I didn’t get to hold orphans in my arms on a daily basis or build relationships with those hurting in far corners of the world. In many ways I could have been working in any office in any organization.

But I wasn’t working for just anyone. I am working with Adventures in Missions. And in the coming years I would build a ministry to the parents of our participants.

More on that, and on my heart feeling at home, coming up …

Fear Not?

Update: This was originally published on 2/23/2012. No longer operating with fear as the largest controlling factor in my life is probably the biggest change of the last 15 years.

I am not, by nature or inclination, a risk taker. Those who knew me years ago would not list that among my traits. Current friends probably wouldn’t either – but there’s a subtle difference and it’s the role that fear plays. For most of my life, fear consistently got in the way. But then an interesting thing began to happen – both before I originally wrote this post and in the years since then.

The grip that fear had on me, the role it played in my decision-making, changed.

As I weathered devastating personal storms, drew closer to Jesus, became more aware of the profound needs and injustices in the world and began in deeper ways to yearn for God’s kingdom to grow on earth, I found myself restless, wanting something “more”. The “more” was not about things, job, security, or leisure time. Instead, I yearned to be fully engaged in the adventure of what God is doing in the world – and in me.

To pursue this meant some big changes. It meant my life could no longer be ruled by fear or by the lies that would derail me. I could no longer be immobilized by a list of “what ifs”.

The outward look of what I do was not what determined this. It was an internal shift that said I would not let fear put constraints on whether I would say ‘yes’ to the Holy Spirit’s nudge, and I would not let complacency set my life’s path.

I originally wrote much of this in early 2011 – as part of my initial fundraising materials. (To be on staff at Adventures in Missions, I must meet a fundraising goal that offsets my salary.) I took significant steps during 2011 and early 2012. The move to Georgia to join the team at Adventures was a huge one. Starting the blog was a smaller step. When this started I not completely overcome fear – and 11 years later I still haven’t – but I’m SO much further along. I still move slowly and cautiously in some things. Part of that slow and cautious approach is okay and it’s part of the value that I can “bring to the table.” But other parts may still need to be broken loose. And as I revisit this journey, I will talk about the process I’ve gone through.

When I started the original blog, there was a lot I didn’t know about what was ahead, but this much I did know – I hoped to spend the rest of my life taking new steps toward fully saying “yes” to Jesus.

Looking Back at the Beginning

In early 2010 I was getting serious about the possibility of a major transition. I had danced around this for years – feeling a restlessness that never completely went away. Do I make a change or not? How do I know if there’s “something else” out there? What’s the wise thing to do? I had lived in Connecticut longer than I had lived anywhere in my whole life. I couldn’t imagine leaving my friends. What if I failed? The list went on and on.

In January of that year, I discovered this prayer and it put into words what I yearned for: Lord, help me now to unclutter my life, to organize myself in the direction of simplicity. Lord, teach me to listen to my heart; teach me to welcome change, instead of fearing it. Lord, I give you these stirrings inside me. I give you my discontent. I give you my restlessness. I give you my doubt. I give you my despair. I give you all the longings I hold inside. Help me to listen to these signs of change, of growth; help me to listen seriously and follow where they lead through the breathtaking empty space of an open door. (Prayer for a Major Life Transition, from Common Prayer: A Liturgy for Ordinary Radicals by Shane Claiborne)

In the weeks following this prayer’s entrance into my life, I did move forward. The restlessness and the sense of call to move into a new ministry phase could no longer be ignored. It was time to say “yes” without holding back. Even with the scary parts. So by July I had sold my house, packed my stuff into storage pods, loaded my car and I found myself at Adventures in Missions.

It was the beginning of an amazing journey. About a year into it, however, I felt the Holy Spirit’s nudging toward another leap of faith. That is what this blog was for me. I knew it was a smaller leap of faith than leaving friends and moving 1,000 miles, but I tend to over-analyze things – and that can immobilize me. What do I write about? How often? Is it an update, a devotional, a connecting place? I didn’t know. And that was my leap of faith – starting something that I didn’t have figured out. This much I did know – it was time to leap. And for now, that has to be enough.

[This was my first post, in February of 2012. The next few weeks/months on this blog will largely be revisiting the previous posts I’ve written, editing them and moving them to this new platform. New material may occur from time to time but will largely be after I get everything else transferred.]

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