This was written by me in November 2016 with heavy input and editing by Seth Barnes, founder of Adventures in Missions. I did not do this perfectly with my own son and daughter, but I do believe there is truth in it.
What does it mean to “let go” of our children, particularly as they transition to adulthood? What does the parental role look like in this new stage? What do we do with the mixture of emotions? What if we just enjoy being with them and we miss them? What about the fear? The “what ifs?” How is a nurturing, supportive parent different from a “helicopter parent?” When do we extend grace and when do we let them suffer consequences of their decisions?
What does this stage mean for our kids? What do they need from us that is different than what they needed when they were younger? How do we help them develop resilience and other life skills? What if that means solving fewer problems for them instead of solving more problems? What if that means letting them suffer or fail?
What does this new stage mean for us? What does God want to do in us at this stage of our lives? What fills the hole that’s left as our kids move on to more independent lives? When parenting needs to look like cheering from the sidelines instead of directing from center field?
With strong editorial help from Seth Barnes, I’ve written a position statement, a Manifesto for Parents that we will be using in Parent Ministry. The World Race parents I work with have a journey thrust on them whether they like it or not. I see great responses but I also see harsh and fearful responses. The Manifesto is several pages long and attempts to address the types of questions mentioned above. [You can find the document form through the link. But if you’d like to comment, it’s posted in its entirety after these introductory comments.]
While a lot of this comes out of my work with World Race parents, I think it’s for any parent. Those who do wrestle with what letting go looks like. Those who are afraid. Those who are excited. Those who have done it well and can add input to this. Those with younger children who want to be intentional about raising their sons and daughters to be independent adults. Those who don’t struggle with fear but do struggle with how to articulate an answer for the friends and relatives who ask “How can you let them do _______?”
A Manifesto for Parents
As parents, we raise our children the best we know how. We want them to thrive, to have opportunities we may not have had and to embrace the faith and values we hold dear.
This process is not always smooth. For many families, raising children and helping them transition to adulthood is hard. Our children may struggle to find their way or we may struggle to let go.
Too many of us, however well-intentioned, have allowed our own fears to weigh down our children, and our own desires to hold our children back.
Instead of being equipped spiritually, emotionally and in basic life skills, sons and daughters find themselves struggling to leave the nest and fly. They have had their activities and goals chosen for them. Obstacles are smoothed over in the name of being helpful. Too many lack drive and decision-making skills. Their sense of entitlement keeps them from working through setbacks. “Leaving” is challenged by current parenting trends.
Believing parents raise their children in the church but balk at their desire to go into the world to bring light into darkness and freedom to captives.
Has this generation been “parented to death”? Never learned how to take risks? Will they never reach their full potential because their parents never let go?
What Should We As Parents Believe?
We believe it is possible to raise children who find their God-given identity and thrive.
We know:
- Our goal as parents is to raise our children well, wanting them to become emotionally and spiritually healthy adults.
- When we make mistakes, we can embrace the grace available to us and live in the truth that God is a God who redeems.
- Each family is unique and God’s plan for it is uniquely suited to it.
- The encouragement to “let go” does not dismiss the parental role in appropriately vetting situations or voicing concerns.
- Letting go is difficult but necessary and is often harder and more unsettling for moms, who typically feel a bigger role shift than dads.
We need perspective:
- What is God doing in my son or daughter?
- What does appropriate letting go look like at this stage?
- What does God want to do in me during this season?
Where We Are Headed – and the Challenges
The reality is, we’re trying to raise adults, not children. Yes, there is a childhood – and it’s an important time of nurture and protection. But our end goal is adulthood.
Scripture is clear as parents we should provide limits, establish discipline, teach the tenets of the faith and nurture our children. We should help them learn faith, self-control, wisdom and discernment – moving them gradually into adulthood at appropriate ages.
Updated guidelines given to child psychologists show adolescence (the stage between childhood and adulthood) now extends into the mid-twenties and beyond. Skills that a generation ago were learned as part of growing up are no longer emphasized. HR directors see parents intervening in the job interview process. And the traditional church is seeing a mass exodus, particularly of young people.
We have inadvertently parented in a way that contributes to this.
Lack of rites of passage – Rites of passage, which define and celebrate the movement from childhood to adulthood, have essentially disappeared in our society. As a consequence, we have children self-initiating into adulthood. Teen pregnancies and gun violence among youth fall into the category of extreme and unhealthy self-initiation. A wide range of experiences, previously reserved for adulthood, now creep down into young ages. Four year olds getting manicures. The abundance of TV channels and internet options that bring “adult news” within easy reach of children. The line between childhood and adulthood is blurring without the guidance and rites of passage needed to move in healthy ways from one to the other.
Distorted view of what parental love looks like – Today, parenting can appear to be more of a rescuer role, bailing out our children rather than letting them fail and learn from their mistakes. The training role scripture assigns to parents is often lacking. Many of the complaints about ungrateful kids with a sense of entitlement come from the patterns we have set when we remove all obstacles, eliminate consequences, rescue them from hard situations and give them more than they need.
Widespread “failure to launch” – Economic conditions and other factors have led to more kids, of all ages, returning home to live. This is not necessarily bad. But it can delay the normal maturing process, especially when living at home carries very few responsibilities. Scripturally, “leaving and cleaving” applies to marriage, but “leaving” applies to all of us. Abraham left, Moses left, the disciples left their families and their professions. Leaving is part of growing up.
The pressure to succeed academically and it’s impact – The pressure to succeed academically has risen in the last generation. A Nation at Risk (1983) argued American kids weren’t competing well against kids in other nations. This led to more homework, federal policies designed to address the gap and a focus on activities which increase the chance of getting into a “good” college. The 2010 film “Race to Nowhere” documented the pressure. Universities are observing freshmen who, having gotten into an elite university, don’t know how to set a new goal for themselves. Depression levels and dropout rates are rising.
In part because of this pressure, fewer children are contributing to the household. Life skills are not being learned. Some are basic – managing money, cleaning the bathroom, proper social etiquette in diverse situations. Others are more intangible – resilience, wisdom, discernment.
Helicopter parenting – Helicopter parenting can be defined as: (1) doing for our child what they can do for themselves; (2) doing for our child what they can almost do for themselves; or (3) doing for our child something that feeds our own ego or need.
Helicopter parents feel the need to be part of everything – from questioning professors about a college grade, to chastising HR directors when their child doesn’t get a job. On a daily basis, helicopter parents take on tasks that should be done by our sons and daughters, hoping to ease the pressure or just to “help out”. There’s an appropriate helping and blessing role for parents but, in general, it is currently out of balance. As a culture, our children are not learning life skills, self-monitored time management, or how to advocate for themselves in healthy ways.
Hovering parents are different than nurturing parents. Being asked for advice by our kids is different than taking charge of a situation before they have a chance to navigate it. Finding the mix between imposing rules, extending grace and allowing freedom is hard.
What is Lacking?
Resilience – Resilience is the ability to learn from mistakes, to rebound quickly and to try again. This is no longer learned in a culture where children do not have the freedom to fail. Getting a B on an exam leads to suicide. Problems are solved for them. They are protected from conflict. But resilience is highly correlated with healthy executive functioning and the ability to have a “successful” adult life. Our tendency to jump in – while motivated by love – denies our sons and daughters the opportunities to learn to do it for themselves. Our parenting must provide opportunities for our children to learn resilience.
Training in Wisdom (and Consequences) – When decisions, big and small, are primarily made by parents – at an age when our sons and daughters should be learning to do that – young people enter adulthood untrained in wisdom. Let’s model the decision-making process. Then trust them with decisions of their own. They will learn wisdom and the consequences of unwise decisions.
It is scary. An unwise decision as a toddler might result in a skinned knee. As a child it might be regret over wasted allowance money. But as a teenager it could be an unplanned pregnancy or loss of life in a drunk driving accident. Watching as a parent can be gut wrenching.
Discernment – Joyce Meyer says, “Some people think they have discernment when actually they are just suspicious.” Too many of us have the latter but need the former. Our children need to develop the ability to gather information and evaluate options, to judge one choice against another and to factor in faith – all while thinking through consequences. And as parents, we need God’s help in knowing when our children need the opportunity to take risks.
The Changing Parental Role
In the early years, we parent primarily from a positional authority: “I’m in charge because I’m the parent.” It’s helpful, it’s right and it’s good (when properly administered). Babies and toddlers need a protected and more structured environment.
By the time a child reaches their teens, on the threshold of adulthood, if the relationship has not moved to parenting by influence, then there is likely to be trouble. If a relationship of trust has not been built, if they are still “forced” to obey, if they don’t choose on their own to seek counsel – then the ability to effectively parent is limited.
No longer can a parent easily say “You’ll do as I say because I’m your parent.” Physically, they cannot be made to comply. Legally, they have new rights. Colleges won’t share student grades with anyone (including tuition-paying parents) without the student’s permission. HIPPA laws prohibit sharing medical info after age 18 without permission. And so on.
Parents don’t abdicate all positional authority. If we are supporting our son or daughter financially, paying for college, or if they are living at home, compliance with certain rules is part of the deal. Requiring some form of rent or certain chores can help children move toward responsible adulthood.
Wisdom and courage are important here. Some requirements, if enforced, may also create estrangement, at least temporarily. They may choose to leave and move into unwise or unhealthy situations. This is where many parents find it hard to do the tough things that ultimately lead to adulthood. It is excruciating to watch them leave that way and many of us cave in and rescue instead. Knowing when to extend assistance or grace and when to let them fail is no easy task.
This shift from positional authority to influence doesn’t happen overnight. It is not without heartache, but it is essential. The end result is you are becoming brothers and sisters in Christ in new ways. Enjoy this new stage!
Baby Birds Are Supposed to Leave the Nest
Parents are supposed to provide a nest and we know children who do not receive this safe nurturing place in early childhood suffer tremendously. But baby birds are supposed to leave the nest.
The nest-leaving process can be scary for the one needing to leave and for the parent who has protected him or her from the cruel world. It’s hard. But it needs to happen. They are too big for the nest. Something inside them has been telling them this for a while. They sense they were made for something bigger.
Parents may feel protective. A mother’s life has often been structured around caring for her children. There is nothing she can do to stop her natural instinct. The “what if” questions about life outside the nest arise. It’s a normal feeling that needs an override switch.
So how do we do it? How do we let them leave the nest? The world can be cruel. Err too much on the one hand and our naive child may feel thrown to the wolves. Err on the other side and our kids are delayed in growing up.
Recognize this is normal – All parents whose children grow up go through this process. It’s not easy, but it is the natural order of things.
Grieve it – Loss requires grief. It’s hard to let go, and when we do, our emotions may well lag. Give yourself permission to feel the pain of the loss.
Maintain an appropriate distance – This is not about us. This is about giving our child the opportunity to grow up, develop their own decision-making skills and feel the pain of failure. They need space to be able to figure out who they are.
The Goal of Parenting
Eugene Peterson sees something relevant in the Biblical story of Samuel and Eli (1 Samuel 3:1-10). Samuel had been serving in Eli’s house and one night is awakened by someone calling his name. He runs to Eli asking “What do you want?” Eli, who hadn’t called for Samuel, sends him back to bed. This is repeated a few times until Eli realizes what is going on and instructs Samuel to answer this way the next time it happens: “Speak Lord, for your servant is listening.” Samuel responds that way and the Lord begins to speak more things to him.
Peterson sees a model of what our goal as parents should be: To transfer the primary voice in our child’s life from our own voice to the Lord’s voice. We can’t do that without letting go.
Most of us say “My children really belong to the Lord, not to me.” But there are times the Lord asks “Do you really mean that? Are you willing to act on that?”
I once put my mid-teen-age son on an airplane for a mission trip when I had a strong sense I would never see him again. This wasn’t wisdom and a need for appropriate protection. This was fear. Despite my fears, I knew there was no appropriate reason to keep him from something he felt called and equipped to do, that had appropriate safety precautions in place. I said good-bye, thinking it was the last time I would see him. He did come home fine, but in the meantime, I learned an important thing. When put to the test, I really did believe my kids ultimately belonged to the Lord. And my own spiritual life changed as a result of acting on that.
John Piper, a pastor and author, says something along these lines: “Parents, if you are sitting here and your deepest desire is for your children to grow up, get married, live close enough for you to see your grandchildren regularly, and have a house with a white picket fence and good insurance plan – then you might be in the wrong church. We intend to go after your child’s heart and our highest hope is for them to give their heart fully to God and His call. And we expect for some of them this call will take them around the world, into needy and risky places, with no medical care and limited chances for you to see your grandchildren. So decide now. Is this the right church for you?”
Everything in us may know the answer needs to be “Yes” – but the cost is right there in front of us too. This could be a costly “Yes”. How you model this – your “yes”, your letting go, your transition to new seasons – will help your children know how to do it in their own lives.
Fear and Safety
Letting go is often hindered by fear. Something could happen. What do we do with our fear? How should we look at safety? Placing a high priority on safety is not wrong. In fact, it’s wise.
But what if safety becomes an idol?
How do we know if it is an idol? It is an idol if our “yes” to the Lord is held hostage to our requirement for safety. If safety has to be first – no matter what, no exceptions.
As followers of Jesus, idolatry in any form needs to be recognized and confronted. As Sarah Young points out, ”God detests idolatry, even in the form of parental love.” Anything that supplants the Lord as number one in our lives is an idol. If we felt the Lord calling us to an unsafe place, would we go? If He calls our children, will we encourage them to go? The answer to that is crucial.
The early church, when faced with strong persecution did not ask for safety but prayed “Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness ….” (Acts 3:29)
What does it take to do this?
Understand safety and comfort are not the same thing. A lack of nice houses, air conditioning, good food, regular electricity, or indoor toilets – or even the presence of things like lice and bed bugs – is not primarily a safety issue. It’s primarily a comfort issue.
Don’t operate in fear, calling it “wisdom”. Wisdom is important, but be brutally honest about whether we are really trying to avoid fear by using “wisdom” as a cover. (For example – “I don’t think it is wise for you to …” when we really mean “I am afraid for you to …”)
Live incarnationally. If we follow the model of Jesus, we will touch those we are called to love and live among. Whether or not it is comfortable. Whether or not it is safe.
As believers, we acknowledge both a spiritual realm and a physical realm. Erwin McManus tells the story of his son, who had been scared by demon stories at a Christian summer camp. His son asks “Will you pray God will keep me safe?” Erwin’s response? “I can’t pray God will always keep you safe, but I will pray God makes you so dangerous when you enter a room, the demons flee.”
Are we willing to get there? To the point where we are more concerned about being powerful in the spiritual realm than safe or comfortable in the physical realm? Can we model it for our kids? Or maybe, can we learn it from them?
Next Steps
As hard as it is to let our children go, for most of us this may be the answer to the prayers we prayed throughout their lives. “Please let them grow up to love You Lord, and desire to follow You.” And then they say they want to go overseas on missions, to third world countries without the amenities we rely on, and without regular communication – and the answer to those prayers suddenly looks and feels scary.
Bless them. They are growing into adulthood, but they still yearn for your approval and blessing. Tell them how you feel about them, why you love being their parent, what godly characteristics you see in them.
Be grateful for your son and daughter’s desire to follow the Lord. Many of those who are parenting “prodigals” would trade places with you in an instant. The pain of saying goodbye to a child leaving to follow the Lord can pale in comparison to the pain of having children who have rejected Him. Or who live a life filled with unhealthy choices.
Seek perspective without negating your own pain and struggle. The pain of letting go is real and intense. Military parents face a letting go typically harder than what the rest of us do. Not only do they say goodbye, they say goodbye to sons and daughters being deliberately placed in harm’s way. Parents who have lost children in a variety of ways grieve deeply and wish their children were still here. The call of Jesus is not the only thing that asks us to let go.
Hold your children with “open hands”. As Seth Barnes, founder and CEO of Adventures in Missions, often says, “If we wanted our kids to be safe, we should never have introduced them to Jesus, who is a revolutionary and dangerous world-changer.”
What About the Hole Left in Your Life?
Letting go can create loss. But this can be an amazing season in your own life. Acts 13:36 makes a reference to King David, saying David did not die until he “had served God’s purpose in his own generation”. Our purpose in our generation and in God’s Kingdom is not yet over.
Our journey is about more than just trusting Jesus. It’s about the courage to dream dreams. Dreams abandoned or put on hold long ago – out of fear, out of shyness, out of “circumstance” or “necessity”. Dreams of mattering and making a difference. Dreams of exploring and adventuring. It’s about the restlessness many of us feel as we enter this stage.
Do these observations ring true for you?
We hit a point of realizing time is short and we don’t want to waste it – We want what we do to matter. We want to leave a legacy based more on significance than worldly success. Complacency may try to tell us we have done enough and we’re entitled to slow down. Or we’re too tired, too old or too unqualified to tackle new challenges. But something in us knows this is not true.
We need to look for new sources of identity and new experiences of trust – Particularly those of us who felt our primary identity was as a parent. “Letting go” of adult children forces us to trust God in new ways. The faith built as we let go builds faith in other areas of our life as well.
Mistakes or failures may hurt or immobilize us and loss may be very real – It is not too late to grieve well, find healing and grace, and move beyond them. We lose parents or maybe even children, long term marriages end, businesses fail, some dreams die, medical issues may surface. In all of these, we have the choice to run to Jesus for healing or to blame Him.
Ready to dive in?
This is an ideal season to expect God to speak about transition, new stages, reviving forgotten dreams or birthing new ones. Along with this comes the need for courage and obedience – especially for risk averse types. Being empty-nesters brings a type of freedom once we adjust. Don’t waste this window if it exists. It will be gone at some point. Don’t look back with regret.
The world needs our generation to stay activated and engaged in ways far beyond our role as mom and dad. The Kingdom needs us. The next generation needs us. The people affected by injustice and oppression need us. We encounter hurting people every day. We have a lifetime of resources, experiences and wisdom to bring.
Conclusion
We love our kids. We want the best for them. Even our missteps are generally motivated by a desire for good and not harm. Their transition to adulthood can be hard for them and hard for us. A healthy process on both sides requires appropriate, and sometimes gut-wrenching, letting go. We don’t lose relationship, but it does change. The end result is worth it.
Our sons and daughters need us to press through. And we need it as well.
(For references use this link to see this in document, rather than blog, form. Some sections are adaptations of previously published blogs by Seth Barnes and Betty Means.)
Betty's Thoughts 